Blind Dates R Us

Before I start my stories, I want to mention the "Blind Date Patrol." A set of women I know who keep an eye out for women who have just broken off a relationship. They swoop down and suddenly the woman is whisked off on a blind date---a blind date from hell... the problem is ..these women know how to present their 'packages.' They make these guys sound like gems. Add in the 'unsure' factor--you know, that feeling of uncertainity that comes right after breakups. And you've got the perfect combination for falling into their trap.

I fell... several times. One of the ladies--Dale (thank heavens she's moved to NY)...she was good at marketing her 'nice guys.' Don't get me wrong...there were a few dates I enjoyed and actually had fun on. But I stress the word few...

On these dates, I've encountered a man who got a sample of viagra just for the blind date--I bolted fast, one guy who had a lisp that wasn't mentioned before hand--it didn't cause a problem until he asked, "So who is Sh-air-wee Pah-well?" as I buttered my baked potato at dinner. Since I was looking down and not watching him, my ears and mind heard Elmer Fudd...and I started a laugh that slipped from the deepest part of me...I replied "Who the Hell knows?" and thus a silence fell until the bill arrived. There was the 'white witch--wizard' guy who told me he was part demi-god and alien...the guy who was so digusting that I ate squid so he would be repulsed enough not to want a goodnight kiss...and of course the conspiracy theory guy who thinks Texile plants are a myth in NC. (I live a forth of a mile from one).

Now I've blotched a few of them. Once I went to dinner with a guy who reminded me of John Lennon with waist-length hair. Handsome enough...seemed smart-though a bit stuck on talking about his ex-gf. Things went well until we went to see a movie...before it started, I excused myself to use the restroom. I met him a few mins later in front of some arcade games. He said, "you've got something on your shoe." I looked down and saw that about 6 feet of toliet tissue had hitched a ride to the bottom of my shoe. Laughing, I kicked my foot and it felt off. But I saw his face..and realized he didn't find it funny. Never heard from him after that date.

But the one I really blotched up was with a local attorney who's married now. Oh he is a hottie... fine and so sexy...though younger than me. It took me a month to convince one of the girls that worked at his firm to set us up on a date. Everything went well...fine dining, dancing and he invited me to his place for a night cap...then as we sipped wine he said, "So are you gonna be my naughty little girl and let daddy spank you?"

"But I'm older than you are!" Zapp! The mood was killed. Sorry but I can't call a smooth babyfaced man 'Daddy.'

Its been a while since I've been on a blind date per say. Though I've been to dinner parties and found a 'man' waiting for me. That doesn't classify as a blind date. And I could escape easily if the chemistry isn't there.

I was going to write these stories in detail but realized that as I write, I relive and I don't think I want to relive them...